I don't want to get up

Thursday morning.  I woke up around 6:30 a.m.  I've been sitting around a bit more than I ought.  I need to get ready for a run up to the Capitol with my friend, and then onto all sorts of other things.  I think we'll make it a short run.  It should be good.

I've got plenty to do today and want to remember to keep my head.  I'd like to be grateful during action.  I want to work hard and have fun.  I also want to focus on my actions more than the results the world hands me.  The last part is the hardest for me.

Evening 11 January 2017

It's been a long day and a fun one too.  Even though I was rather tired this morning I did get my morning workout in.  I got an unexpected message from a friend letting me know that he'd be in town for two days and needed a place to crash.  He's moving to DC, but wasn't expecting to show up for a few more day - the weather forecast led him to rush his arrival.  So after work, I spent several hours working alongside my wife and son to prepare the house.  During my breaks, I got a fair bit of writing done too.  When my friend arrived, we ate a quick dinner and walked in the light rain.  I showed him the Washington Memorial and Capitol buildings from a distance, as well as another building of interest.  We went back to the house for a little while, and then headed back out again, parking at Parking Area A and walking what I've come to call "the loop."

In other words, I worked hard today.  I had fun today.  I didn't spent time arguing with people online.  If I had to live today over again, I'd be proud to live it more or less exactly as I have.

I suppose it will be helpful to look for at least one or two faults.  I drink coffee too late in the day.  It's not good for my sleep and I know it.  I'd probably do better to drink a cup or two less of coffee as well.  I also talk negatively about people more than I ought.  I'm not a gossip, but I'm more critical than I need to be.  There are better things to focus on, better ways to spend my energy.  When I'm having a great day and get really excited, it can turn into a kind of mania.  I enjoy this feeling, but I should try to relax a bit.  I find that if I embrace the feeling too much it can keep me from sleeping well, which leads to poor work performance and irritation.

Grogimus Prime

I'm so tired.  The truth is that I don't have to be up for another hour or so.  I could go back to bed after my son goes to school, but it would be healthier for me to stay up and try to create a more normal sleeping pattern for myself.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I feel sick.  I probably wouldn't have any luck going to the gym right now.  I do think I can walk slowly on the treadmill.  It's something.  Even if I can only do a little, that's what I should do.

I read a quote from Marcus this morning about slavery to emotions.  I don't think that people have to control their emotions, necessarily.  Sometimes that's beneficial.  Sometimes it isn't.  It is important to keep our emotions from controlling us when possible.  My wife and I were working to get our son ready for school this morning.  Any number of times, I wanted to say something grouchy.  I was groggy - it didn't have anything to do with her.  I avoided doing this almost entirely, which I will consider a success.

I realized that we become slaves when we act on emotions in ways that our future selves wouldn't approve of.  If I'd been grouchy with her, it would have prolong those negative emotions.  Instead of having a few seconds here of impatience or discomfort, I'd have been arguing with my wife for minutes at a time, at the very least.  It could have lasted all day.  Additionally, speaking the emotion would have given it weight it didn't previously have.  I wouldn't say that this should be done for all emotions, positive or negative, but some feelings can be easily dismissed as tiny inconvenient whims attempting to make themselves large in our lives by shouting to gain our attention.

I think one of the most interesting aspects to Stoicism is that it isn't about ignoring emotion.  It's about allowing the rational mind to decide which emotions to pay attention to, and what sort of attention to pay them.  The goal is to have our emotions work for us rather than the other way around.  This is an art that one learns over time.  It's a series of virtues that one develops.  Book knowledge helps, but crafting the soul is mostly hands-on work.  

The Nonsense is Shiny

While I didn't work quite as diligently as I might have today, being tired and waking late, I accomplished quite a bit.  I wrote more than one essay, which is always a good accomplishment.  I even edited them.  I didn't waste time arguing with people on Facebook - and avoided reading too much nonsense too.  I only hope that I can build on that habit.  God knows that'll be difficult.  The nonsense is shiny.

By remaining both calm and persistent, I helped my wife achieve her goals without being too much of a jerk about it.  I also managed to make time for an old friend.  The whole family got to go along and I think everyone had fun.

All in all, today was a good day.  I'm grateful for my ability to be attentive to the things I wanted to do.  I don't think that this attitude is the pinnacle of Stoicism.  I'd like to grow to be the sort of person who can be grateful when I do my best and the shit hits the fan anyway.  I'm not there.  Still, in a way, I'd like to think that being okay with where I am in part of being Stoic too.

Morning 10 January 2017

I didn't sleep well last night, and woke late on account of it.  Still, once awake I did what needed to be done more or less efficiently.  I've so far stuck to the Army Diet.

In the past, I've always found strength in gratefulness.  It's so easy to despair when life goes poorly.  I thought I'd start this morning by reflected on those things for which I am grateful.  I'm grateful to be a husband and father.  I must remember that the messiness that comes from those things is sometimes a blessing in disguise.  I'm grateful for my job.  And I'm grateful for my many friends.  I'm a lucky man.

I should focus on these things and how to best enjoy my obligations to them instead of focusing on the fact that the world is burning.  I can't help that the world is burning, but I can be a good father, husband, worker and friend.  And I can take care of my body too, which is what I intend to do next.

Evening Reflection 9 January 2017: Wasting my time

The dishes could be done.  The floor could be swept, but I'm sitting here reading Facebook comments about politics.  My feelings are just as passionate as anyone else's, I think.  I'm better read than most people, but it doesn't usually matter.  I know that almost anything I type just goes into the void.  I feel like I might be able to inform people, but that's not how the world works any more.  There are better uses of my time.  It's one thing to say that, but quite another to act on it.

I should be somewhat grateful.  I didn't eat too much today.  I stuck with an adapted version of the Army Diet as found on the internet.  I've lost a few pounds doing this since New Years.  I hope to keep it up, not only because it's helping me lose weight, but because it's teaching me about portion sizes.  I think that's the most important thing.  I am innately unconcerned with how much food I eat.  It's incredibly unhealthy.

I should go to bed in an hour or so.  I suppose that I'd do well to try to accomplish another task or two before then.

Bad Stoic

I adopted Stoicism about 2 years ago.  I'm a bad Stoic.  I know the doctrines that are relevant to modern life, but I often have trouble living.  It's one thing to believe a thing.  It's another actually do it.  I eat more than I ought.  I waste my time entertaining myself.  I know that these things won't make me happier, but I do them anyway.  The truth is that they often make me less happy than I would be if I ate less and were hard at work.

Where should I apply my energy?  That's the real question.  I have no idea.  I'd like to commit to keeping a daily journal, but I can't imagine that I'll actually keep up with it.  I guess the journal would keep track of my daily goals and observations, as well as my failings.

I'll start with my failings.  I should have gotten up at 5:30 today, but I didn't.  I didn't have anything in particular that I really had to do that early - which is why I didn't get up.  It's probably a little early for me anyway.  Still, I should have gotten up and conducted a rigorous PT early.  I got up late and conducted a weak sort of PT.

I've been lame all day.

I did manage to walk almost 8 miles.  And I did research Bahai faith.  I think I want to go to one of their temples and write about it.

That's all I'll write for now.  Maybe, I'll write again tomorrow, but I doubt it.